Assy Drove My Bus

I had a long week. I hadn't slept in my own bed since Monday (no, I'm afraid it's not that exciting) as I was taking care of a friend's cat while she was away on business. All I wanted to do was get home and relax. It shouldn't be a huge deal, after all I was just going from West 23rd Street and Ninth Avenue to 14th Street and Avenue A My biggest decision this morning was, do I take the C or E train to the L, or walk down Ninth Avenue to 17th Street and hop on the 14D bus. I've had to make this decision before and each time I choose a route, there's a problem. The fact that's it's Saturday morning tosses in the monkey wrench of "is the L train running today?" I'm guessing no so I head to the 14D bus. Great, I think as I didn't have to wait long and it's empty. Only me and a family of four, a woman, her teenage son and two youngsters who are inexplicably being forced to eat gummy candies by their mom. Maybe there's a reason but I can't think of one. The bus makes the turn onto 14th as I quickly look back at the immense and newest Apple store near Chelsea Market. We pick up a few more passengers at 14th and Ninth and head to the next stop. Then all hell breaks loose. At 14th and 8th, there is a line of people waiting to climb aboard the bus that seems endless. Not a big deal to me but as the bus gets more and more crowded, the bus driver begins to get irritated because people aren't moving to the back of the bus. Now, I don't know if this is the first time this driver has steered a bus through New York City but much like the passengers who hover by the doors of the subways, people don't move to the back of the bus. Then he uses the speaker system. "These buses were designed to carry extra weight. Ya gotta move to the back of the bus," and I'm thinking, his voice sounds so familiar. It sounded like Marlon Brando's "Don Corleone" with emphysema. "I don't know about you but I got nowhere to go," Don continues, as people are now getting agitated and about seven people give up and leave via the back doors. Then it hits me: this bus driver sounds exactly like Assy McGee, the crime fighting, take no prisoners, walking and talking butt from the Adult Swim cartoon show (Google "Assy McGee" if you're not familiar. This bus driver's voice and personality fit the character). "People, is there room in the back?" an exasperated Assy yells, as now everyone is getting super-irritated; the driver because he's being ignored, and the passengers who just want to get home or the hell out of the bus. By this point, Assy's locked the back doors of the bus. Finally a passenger yells for Assy to open the doors so he can get the [expletive deleted] out of the bus. The genius that he is bus driver does so, and in letting one person out, allows three people to sneak on the bus. Pure brilliance. Finally after about five minutes we are on our way. It took me an entire half hour to get across 14th Street. I did find out though that I would have been screwed either way: the L train isn't running today.