Randomness From My Mind

This Trader Won't Fool Anyone

2009-01-02T21:55:00.003-05:00

The 14th Street block between Fifth and Sixth Avenues has a strange newcomer. A white and red sign above what used to be a filthy Gristede's supermarket (known also as "Gross Stede's" or simply, "Dirty Gristede's") heralds the impending opening of Trader John's, like its predecessor, also a supermarket. This wouldn't be all that noteworthy except that Trader John's is just two blocks from Trader Joe's, the grocery store that I love to shop in except I never can because it's too crowded and the end of the line is visible from the outside of the establishment. I'm sure this Trader John's is trying to cash in on Joe's famous name and maybe even trick the unsuspecting or confused into thinking it's an offshoot of the "real" Trader, or perhaps the real thing itself for the directionally-challenged. Whoever owns this impostor has got quite a big set of cohones. They can open up Blue Mango, Urban Infitters, or Guitar Square, too, and it would make no difference. Judging from the looks of John's, they have a long way to go before it's even usable. The interior of John's is a mess much like when Gristede's was actually open, and needs months of work which makes it even more mindboggling that the store's moniker is already displayed. In the interim I wouldn't be surprised if they'll be forced to change their name after Trader Joe's serves them some legal documents. Traderish John's has a nice ring to it, or maybe Rader John's, or better yet, "Closed." It will be interesting to see what happens in the coming months.

Crappy Programming Stays On In 2009

2009-01-01T23:08:00.008-05:00

When I heard that Viacom was playing chicken with Time Warner Cable (TWC) regarding yanking its programming off the cable giant over fees, I was estatic. Unlike the SNY/TWC dispute of a few years ago, I could care less about any of Viacom's channels. Granted I am not in the demographic of MTV, VH1, Nickelodeon or Noggin, but most of Viacom's programming is garbage in my opinion. Granted I watch my share of crap too: I love "Nip/Tuck," much of the Adult Swim programming, any show on obese people on either Discovery Health or TLC, and also "South Park," which airs on Viacom's Comedy Central. However I cringe when I am exposed to such putrid shows as "My Super Sweet Sixteen," "Flavor of Love," "The Hills," any "Real World," "Celebrity Rehab" or "Rock of Love," among several hundred others. Brett Michaels apparently will now be riding around on a bus with his classy lady friends--gotta make sure to watch that. These programs have relaunched the "careers" of such marginally-talented and sad people as Brooke Hogan, Tawny Kitaen, Flavor Flav and Paris Hilton, and exploited such pathetic figures as Jeff Conaway, Brigette Nielsen and Gary Busey. I went to bed for the first time in 2009 looking forward to a Viacom-free television experience when I awakened, only to find out that 13 minutes before midnight that Viacom and TWC came to an agreement to keep the sludge on while they hammered out a deal. This was after Viacom had launched a campaign demonizing TWC by using a crying Dora the Explorer to show parents that they might actually have to pay attention to their kids instead of plopping them in front of a television set to watch SpongeBob, Blue and Franklin. Note to parents: there are DVDs, Hulu.com, and lots of other ways to watch the shows your kids are so fond of. Honestly if I could choose my own channels only Comedy Central would remain, but alas it is not an option. If I were a parent, Viacom would be the sole reason I'd actually use the parental control on my remote. My kids would never be allowed to watch MTV or VH1. Can anyone even name the other 17 Viacom channels without cheating? Nope, didn't think so. Even though this brief battle is over, TWC you have my support. Clear out these 19 stations and put test patterns on instead. It'd be an improvement.

Invasion Of The Baby Hands

2008-12-30T21:27:00.006-05:00

A friend had asked me for a list of items that I might want for Christmas so of course I obliged. A short list included such important items as a stuffed kidney toy, the Ice Orb, and of course something most everyone would want, Baby Hand Soaps. If you haven't seen these soaps, they're basically just what they sound like they'd be. They are soaps in the shape of baby hands. I've seen them described as "creepy," but I think they're adorable. I was thrilled to find out that I received them as my gift. The hands are pretty small, ranging in a half-inch to two inches and in varying skin tones. They come 10 to a bag and are fairly detailed, being created from different doll molds. I guess I'll save them until I have company and then see what happens when they go to wash their hands. If you have a difficult-to-buy-for friend or loved one, this might just be your ticket next Christmas. Maybe by next year the soap makers might even come up with baby feet or baby head soaps.

Have A Very Poopy Christmas (or Stuff I Got After the Holidays)

2008-12-30T20:45:00.018-05:00

Ok, ok. So I've been extremely negligent about this blog. Sorry about that. I guess I've been too annoyed or tired to post anything. I promise to be better about it in 2009 although I make it a point to never made resolutions like most everyone else. I had a very nice Christmas and it was good to see the family like usual. Like most people after the holiday, I hit the sale bins at some stores with varying degrees of success. I bought alot of soap again, this time hitting Lush which was having a buy one get two or one free, depending on what you purchased. Either way it was a good deal since Lush is notorious for being pricey. I also visited Williams-Sonoma and got some seasonal cleaning products and candles (who doesn't want their kitchen to smell like a fir tree while burning a peppermint candle), and Bath & Body Works, where I grabbed some Twisted Peppermint shower gel and some of their Sleep line products (best they've had in years). My most interesting purchases were at Urban Outfitters (UO), home of useless but cool and kitschy items no one really needs but wants. I previously had written about Pee and Poo, the Swedish-created stuffed toys/potty training helpers I had seen at a store not too long ago. I couldn't really justify buying two large dolls that are basically cartoon versions of urine and feces. However on the most recent visit to UO, I was delighted to find that all of the stores Christmas ornaments were marked down to $5.00. There was just one Pee left and a couple of Poos so I grabbed Pee and chose the best looking Poo. I finally had a Pee and Poo of my own! The trifecta of bodily function ornaments was completed when I saw a Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo ornament (South Park'singing turd Mr. Hankey), again the very last of its kind. I realized how lucky I was to get the last of two of my items. I haven't had a Christmas tree the past few years but I think next year I'll have to get one to show off my new ornaments. I think if I could find a toilet paper ornament I'd really be set.

This Jet Makes Me Blue

2008-07-28T22:15:00.003-04:00

Recently I decided to head up to Rochester, N.Y., for a quick getaway on jetBlue to visit a friend and get some fresh air. It was supposed to be a fast jaunt up to Rochester on a 9:27pm flight from good old JFK, returning on Sunday on the 7:00pm flight. Easy enough or so it seemed. I've been flying jetBlue for years, mostly taking the JFK to Rochester route. I can't remember the last time a flight flying this route took off at its correct time either coming or going. Unfortunately this last adventure may be my final for awhile on jetBlue. I've always been a huge fan of the airline as I thought they were different. They're less expensive and they provide a relatively pleasant flying experience with their TVs situated at each seat, free soda and snack, etc. However all this matters very little to me. And here's why: I arrive at JFK about an hour before I'm scheduled to board. I did not print out my confirmation so I was unable to use the kiosk (my fault). This results in my having to wait on line which I do every time anyway. I prefer to get my boarding pass from a human being. I'm old fashioned that way. Well, this line was LONG. As in there were approximately 100 people in front of me. No big deal, I tell myself, the line goes pretty quickly. But then I realize that there's just two counters open for business. I look up at the departure board and notice that my flight is still marked "on time." Well, that's good news at least. I wind up being on line for about 50 minutes and then I'm about six or seven people away from being taken care of and finally another jetBlue employee is opening up. Yay! But wait, she's taking forever to get herself set up. I wasn't doing much of anything since I was just standin there waiting so I time her--it's about 10 minutes before she helps someone. She clearly wasn't interested in doing much work because she kept looking at the line with such disdain. Wouldn't you know that the first guy she helps she actually chatting with for 15 minutes. If I had wound up at her counter, I would have made a note of her nametag for a nice letter to the company. I swear that I think they were making a date. I'm fuming at this point, it's getting later and oh, it's my turn. Of course I'm done within two minutes as the jetBlue employee admonishes me for "cutting it close." "You'd better go straight to your gate if you want to make the flight," he tells me. I head to security right away but along the way I notice the dreaded "delayed" next to my flight. Uh oh. Now I'm stressed out. The jetBlue guy has me all in a tizzy because I'm going to be late to get on my delayed flight? I'm confused. Naturally, the line for security was pretty long too. Finally I'm almost up to the TSA agent who'll check out my dreadful license photo which I'm always apologizing for (I haven't gotten a new photo in years as I'll do anything not to have to visit the Department of Motor Vehicles). He waves to the guy in front of me to "wait a moment," and then proceeds to take care of five apparently "more important" people coming through on the right side. Realizing I'm pretty much nobody, I calmly wait for Mr. TSA to finish up and get back to us little people. Then after he is done with the "important" travelers, his phone goes off. Like a robot, he slowly takes out his phone, talks for a moment and hangs up. Still in no apparent hurry, he finally comes back to us and we get through. I want to kill myself already and the night has yet to begin. After getting through security, I notice that there's another flight at our gate and people begin asking about the flight to Rochester that is supposed to be boarding at this very moment. JetBlue's crack gatekeepers don't know anything, or they know what's going on and won't tell the passengers. Fortunately I had my laptop with me and I found out that the flight was delayed until 10:10pm. It was eventually updated on the departures/arrivals board but after I found out myself on the computer. The rest of the story is more of the same. We wound up leaving JFK at approximately 11:45pm. JetBlue never gave any kind of an update nor would they volunteer why we left so late. I heard someone say that it was because our flight crew was stuck on a late-arriving plane coming up from Florida. I got into Rochester around 1:20am. I'd like to say that this was the only part of my roundtrip jetBlue experience that sucked but it wasn't. My flight back to New York was cancelled because of "weather." I got an email on my phone from jetBlue at 5pm for a 7:00pm flight. I took a look at the local news and according to the reports, there were no delays at Greater Rochester International Airport. I love jetBlue's email about the cancellation: "Due to Weather, your flight #33 on July 20, 2008 for travel from Rochester, NY (ROC) has been cancelled. We apologize for the disruption in your travel plans." Really? Yes, you've disrupted my travel plans, you imbeciles. I scrambled to get another flight as I had to work in the morning, winding up on a US Airways flight for $100 more. I realize that flying really is horrendous and a crapshoot these days and probably this is not a horrible story compared to many others. But I am tremendously disappointed that a once excellent airline has become just another company that sucks. I suppiose once again this makes the point of "you get what you pay for." Next time I'll look into Delta and US Airways for flights to Rochester. The irony of it all is when I finally arrive home I find an email from jetBlue inviting me to join their "JetViews" panel, where one can give his or her opinion and fill out surveys so that they can improve their service. Probably not the best timing for them to send that notice to me but I joined. I guess the rest of jetBlue's energy and resources went into the creation of their website touting their new, and in my opinion, untrue advertising slogan. "Happy Jetting" indeed.

Spellcheck Please: Grenn Spilt Soup

2008-05-12T21:58:00.008-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I visited the local deli near my workplace to pick up lunch. The shop always has a few different types of soup which are in large black pots in front of the salad bar. Each soup pot has a computer-created title paper taped onto it to let the customer know what deliciousness is on tap that day. On a recent visit, the available soups included "Grenn Spilt," which I can only imagine is in actuality Split Pea (it was sort of green). I was mad that I didn't bring my phone with me so I was unable to take a photo of the mystery soup label at that time. I thought I lost my chance until late last week when the screwy label appeared again. And again today. I am somewhat perplexed by this extremely poor choice of words. I can accept "Green Spilt" or "Spilt Pea," or even "Green Pee," but how did they come up with "Grenn Spilt"? I actually Googled "Grenn Spilt" to make sure it wasn't a foreign soup I hadn't come across until now (it wasn't). Apparently the computer wiz in charge of creating these labels doesn't use Microsoft Word, as the deli is also known for preparing the classic soups, "Chicken Nodle," "Vege" and "Manhatan Clam Chowder" (ok, that one's not so bad unless you consider that it's the name of the borough the business is located in). So next time you're in the mood for a cup of mystery soup, go to Canal Street and West Broadway. You won't be disappointed.

Ooo, That Smell

2008-04-23T20:43:00.003-04:00

Does anyone know why it smelled like sour diarrhea all along Houston and Broadway this morning? On my way to work this morning I stood nearby the adidas store waiting for the light to change when an awful stench hit me like a tons of stinky bricks. We New Yorkers are used to putrid smelling garbage, people, etc., but let me tell you: it absolutely reeked. I braved the still green light and crossed over to the island in the middle of Houston attempting to escape the smell which I believed was emanating from the sewer. But I soon realized the stink was covering hanging over the entire area. I'm assuming it originated from all the construction going on in that area but I guess it could have been anything. Being a glutton for punishment, I was curious if it still stunk after 5pm that day so I walked the exact route home. To my surprise (and relief) it no longer smelled like 50 public toilets. Still, I wonder what the hell that was.

Nothing To Look At, Move Along

2008-04-23T20:25:00.004-04:00

I've dragged my sorry carcass back to the gym after slacking for awhile. When I was there on Tuesday night I remembered something that really annoys me that some people. I get out of work at 5pm and immediately head to my closest NYSC. Anyone who goes to the gym during the "rush" hours of either early morning or just after work around 5:30pm knows that you change your clothes and get thee directly to the treadmill, if that's the machine of your chose that day. For some reason, the treadmills are in high demand and at the peak hours it's virtually impossible to nab one unless your timing is perfect. Then there's the rule of "30 minutes maximum during peak hours" at the gym, which is just another rule that no one pays any attention to (see "No cell phones while using equipment" or "Do not touch the temperature gauge in the sauna.") I'm approximately a third of the way through my 60-minute (yeah, that's right I said one hour) workout at 5:30pm when suddenly I realize there's three or four people standing around, towels over their shoulders, waiting for a treadmill looking very impatient. Because of the 30-minute rule, I'm forced to hide my timer with a towel, lest someone cause a scene because of my "selfishness." Let me point out why it's not selfish. I arrived at the gym before you did. Is there another machine that you can work out on while the treadmills are in use? How about the StairMaster, the Elliptical or a bike? How about those weight machines? I have never stood around wasting time waiting for someone to vacate any machine so I can jump on. Personally I've never once stood around waiting for any one machine. Plus it's just plain rude to stand around and stare at other people's tushes. But above all I have 97 reasons why I won't abide by their 30 minute rule, and that's 97 dollars per month as in that's how much I pay for my gym membership. So you are not going to tell me to get off my machine because my "time is up." Move along to the stationery bike, fellow NYSC member. I'll be done when I'm done. If you choose to stand around and be annoyed, stop fixating on my rear. I'm working on it.

I Love Pee&Poo

2008-04-19T20:55:00.004-04:00

It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon. My brother John came downtown to the West Village with my sister-in-law Christine and my niece Victoria. We walked around window shopping for awhile and came upon a store on Christopher Street called [hus] a scandinavian store. Looking in the window we saw two stuffed dolls packaged together called "Pee&Poo." Pee is shaped like a teardrop and is yellow (I guess a long yellow toy just isn't as cute), while Poo is a cute brown pile of, well, crap. Considering that they are based on disgusting bodily functions, they're awfully adorable. Save for my brother, the rest of us were absolutely nuts over the cuteness of Pee and Poo. I excitedly showed Christine the stationary set you could get with Pee and Poo's likenesses on the envelope and look, it comes with stickers too! Christine pointed out that the baby clothing was almost enough to have another child so you could justify buying some of the items. And there was Pee and Poo keychains, as well as baby t-shirts, underwear and socks. I was very tempted to plunk down $12 for the Pee keychain but I would have felt bad leaving Poo behind. Sadly, I'm still second guessing my choice to not pick up the Pee&Poo duo that are pictured with this post. I was curious about these toys so I checked out the company's site and found that the brand, from Stockholm, has been around since 2004, and is designed for both adults and children alike (that makes me feel alot better). Regardless of whom they're designed for I think they'll make a welcome addition to anyone's bedroom. "Is that pee and poop on your bed?" "No, that's Pee and Poo. Aren't they cute?"

Meals on Rails

2008-03-27T21:34:00.004-04:00

One could do a blog based solely on experiences on the New York City subways. I'll leave that to others but wanted to make a mention about few recent experiences. With all the insanity going on during any given train ride through any borough of New York, there's one thing I can never understand that a few people do on their trip. And that would be eating. Let's face it: the subway is filthy and it's filled with total strangers coming from heaven knows where. It's a confined space, which means your food stinks up the train car. In just the past week, I've had a man eating a hot dog practically in my face, a woman and her small toddler digging into a trashcan-sized helping of greasy french fries doused with ketchup and hot sauce, and a guy tearing into his take-out container of rice and beans. I'll admit I love all the food items (and was a tad jealous) that these people were chowing down on, but when the train begins taking on the stench of a Nathan's Famous on a hot and humid day, it's kind of ruins it for me. There's no escape until the odor goes away because something (or someone) stinkier has overrode it. While I'm at it, nail polish is a big no-no. That acetate or whatever causes nail polish to reek is very unappealing. I also have no idea how women do their nails while the train or bus is in gear. I do have alot of respect though for women who can "put on their face" while they are riding the subway or bus. If I tried that, well, let's just say it would definitely not be pretty. That's why my favorite makeup accessory is Sephora's Makeup Eraser Pen. It's kind of like a Tide to Go tool for my face.

The Restaurant That Ran Out Of "S's"

2008-03-25T23:09:00.005-04:00

I recently had lunch at a restaurant on University Place. The eatery is a place I've been to several times and the Thai/Pan-Asian chain has several locations in New York City. I would like to share this with everyone now: When I go out for a meal I do not always visit the restaurant's ladies room. I prefer the confines of my own bathroom, thank you very much. The exception would be if I've imbibed in some adult beverage or beverages, or if I have a long trip home. The point of this is that I did check out Spice's powder room which was quite alright for a New York City restaurant. As I headed for the sink to wash my hands I noticed black stuck-on letters adorning the tank holding the handsoap. "Employee Must Wash Hand," reminded the no doubt management-mandated sign. My question is, was my meal prepared and served by the clean or the dirty hand?

My Cat Threw Up on Eliot Spitzer

2008-03-21T21:04:00.004-04:00

Those of you who have cats will know what I'm speaking of here. How many times, either in the middle of the night or early morning, hear that throaty "glug, glug, glug," otherwise known as "My cat is throwing up somewhere in my house/apartment. Do I get up and clean it or can it wait until the morning?" I have two cats, Mercury (pictured, left) and Samantha. Mercury is the furrier of the two and as such she tends to vomit a bit more than Samantha. Sometimes it's because they are staging a competitive eating competition or it could be that there's a hairball involved. As I was enjoying my last half hour before I had to drag my ass out of bed for work today, I hear the dreaded "glug." As always, I'm thinking is the cat puking on the wood floor again or will it be the tiles in the kitchen. Do I get up now or can it wait? I opt to wait until I actually have to get up. The alarm goes off and it's time to check out the damage. Here's the routine: put on the glasses because I'm blind without them and could step in the vomit, search around until I find the offensive projectile output, then clean it up and carry on after that. I'm looking around the apartment and cannot find the throw up. Ok, maybe I dreamt that I heard the cat vomiting? Can't be. Finally I notice my most recent New York magazine on the coffee table. On the cover is our disgraced former Governor Eliot Spitzer. And he's covered in cat vomit. The first thing I thought of was that I hadn't even read the issue yet. The next was, yeah, that's what I thought too. If anyone deserved to be puked on it was Spitzer. I guess even animals are tired of our stupid politicians' dalliances. I hope that our new Governor Paterson isn't on the next cover. I'll have to make sure that issue is out of harm's way.

Johnny's Got a Gut

2008-03-17T19:29:00.003-04:00

I took time out for lunch today despite my crazy workload. Sometimes ya just gotta get out. The past few weeks I've been meeting my friend Ellie for a bite to eat; she works up on Broadway and 9th Street while I work in Tribeca so we wind up meeting midway. That middle happens to be in the middle of nowhere as far as finding a reasonably priced lunch. For those who don't know the area, Prince Street and the blocks between Broadway and Bowery are strewn with either overpriced eateries or affordable tiny dining places that are usually already packed because lucky hungry people who beat you to it. On cue, the two rocket scientists pick Prince as the place to find a lunch spot. While we cluelessly search for a place to chow down (as if several have popped up over the past three days), we notice a couple of movie trailers parked on Prince near Mulberry. While walking past the trailers, Ellie says something which I don't quite catch but as we keep walking she tells me that I missed seeing John Goodman who was making a cell phone call (he's in town filming the indie film, "Gigantic." Very appropriate.) I look back and all I see is Goodman's gut, clad in a grey sweatshirt, hanging out from the doorway of the trailer. I guess he was either having a difficult time getting a signal from the inside of the trailer or was desperate for attention (probably the former). Regardless, I didn't bother to go back until after I had my Ray's pizza. Ellie and I passed by again but the trailer door was shut and John was nowhere to be found. But at least I saw part of him.

DUI: Drying Under the Influence

2008-03-15T18:02:00.000-04:00

I decided to be productive this afternoon and get my laundry done. I was watching one of the shop's television sets which were blaring news about the horrible building collapse on 51st Street and 2nd Avenue when a man asked me how the dryer works. As I was showing him the fine art of inserting quarters and pushing buttons, I smell liquor on his breath. He seemed though to have himself together and was nice enough so I assumed he must have had just one or two brewskies. I was trying to figure out why this guy was doing his laundry when he was skunked--then I remembered it's a St. Patrick's Day drinking day and there's a small neighborhood old man bar two doors down from the laundromat. I think he went in there after he put his clothes in the washer, got hammered and then the dryer fun began. Going back to my TV viewing I turn in time to see Mr. Drunky with his hands in MY dryer pushing around MY clothes. Realizing this guy doesn't know what the hell he's doing, I patiently say, "Oh that's my stuff, yours is over here," as I walk him back to his dryers. I retrieve my bounced-away dryer ball but now I realize I have to pay attention to Drunky because he's still looking around for his dryers and he's attempting to be cool and hid that fact that he's stinking loaded by leaning on the folding tables. Except he's always too far away to lean and every time he attempts that move, he loses his balance and thinks he's going to fall only to be caught by the table. It would be funny to me but I'm just not into dealing with a drunkard today and would prefer to get my now cootie-ridden clothes and vamoose. Perhaps time seems faster when you're drunk but Drunky was now taking his clothing out of the dryer after only about four minutes. Mercifully my dryer stopped and I quickly folded my stuff and headed home. As I left I wondered if the clothes he took were actually his. I hope so or someone has a nasty surprise waiting for them.

My sister-in-law Christine came up with the idea for this post's headline. It was too good not to use. Thanks, Christine!

A Grocery Shopping Miracle

2008-03-15T15:39:00.000-04:00

After my 14th Street bus debacle, I decided to further torture myself: I'd go to Trader Joe's to pick up a few items for the week. As Trader Joe's shoppers know, it's not a wise decision to enter the store on weekends. Usually the lines snake to the front of the store and oftentimes they're visible from outside. The other thing I've never understood is how people can use shopping carts in TJ's. The store is miniscule and the aisles are ridiculously small. It's like trying to ride your bicycle in traffic; there's nowhere to go. Regardless of all this, I trek to the store and I can barely believe what I see: the TJ's employees are holding their "end of line" signs AT THE FRONT OF THE STORE and there's barely anyone standing in line. I grab my basket and begin running around the store like I'm on a game show and I've just won a contest where I get to shop for 10 minutes for free. I can see the cheeses and Luna bars and yogurt. I actually went back to a few aisle to BROWSE and I wasn't in anyone's way. I took my time and didn't have the "I really should get on line or I'll be here forever and get hit in the rear by the person behind me's basket and/or cart." It was a true pleasure to shop at one of my favorite market's in Manhattan. Of course this meant that I spent three times as much as I usually do when I can't maneuver around TJ's, but I didn't care. I almost feel like I should go back and do it again but that would be crazy, wouldn't it?

Assy Drove My Bus

2008-03-15T14:42:00.000-04:00

I had a long week. I hadn't slept in my own bed since Monday (no, I'm afraid it's not that exciting) as I was taking care of a friend's cat while she was away on business. All I wanted to do was get home and relax. It shouldn't be a huge deal, after all I was just going from West 23rd Street and Ninth Avenue to 14th Street and Avenue A My biggest decision this morning was, do I take the C or E train to the L, or walk down Ninth Avenue to 17th Street and hop on the 14D bus. I've had to make this decision before and each time I choose a route, there's a problem. The fact that's it's Saturday morning tosses in the monkey wrench of "is the L train running today?" I'm guessing no so I head to the 14D bus. Great, I think as I didn't have to wait long and it's empty. Only me and a family of four, a woman, her teenage son and two youngsters who are inexplicably being forced to eat gummy candies by their mom. Maybe there's a reason but I can't think of one. The bus makes the turn onto 14th as I quickly look back at the immense and newest Apple store near Chelsea Market. We pick up a few more passengers at 14th and Ninth and head to the next stop. Then all hell breaks loose. At 14th and 8th, there is a line of people waiting to climb aboard the bus that seems endless. Not a big deal to me but as the bus gets more and more crowded, the bus driver begins to get irritated because people aren't moving to the back of the bus. Now, I don't know if this is the first time this driver has steered a bus through New York City but much like the passengers who hover by the doors of the subways, people don't move to the back of the bus. Then he uses the speaker system. "These buses were designed to carry extra weight. Ya gotta move to the back of the bus," and I'm thinking, his voice sounds so familiar. It sounded like Marlon Brando's "Don Corleone" with emphysema. "I don't know about you but I got nowhere to go," Don continues, as people are now getting agitated and about seven people give up and leave via the back doors. Then it hits me: this bus driver sounds exactly like Assy McGee, the crime fighting, take no prisoners, walking and talking butt from the Adult Swim cartoon show (Google "Assy McGee" if you're not familiar. This bus driver's voice and personality fit the character). "People, is there room in the back?" an exasperated Assy yells, as now everyone is getting super-irritated; the driver because he's being ignored, and the passengers who just want to get home or the hell out of the bus. By this point, Assy's locked the back doors of the bus. Finally a passenger yells for Assy to open the doors so he can get the [expletive deleted] out of the bus. The genius that he is bus driver does so, and in letting one person out, allows three people to sneak on the bus. Pure brilliance. Finally after about five minutes we are on our way. It took me an entire half hour to get across 14th Street. I did find out though that I would have been screwed either way: the L train isn't running today.